


Silent Cry

by LadyBardock



Series: Darkness [19]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Adopted Children, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Doctor/Patient, F/M, Hypnotism, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Therapy, mention of past rape and abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-21 13:50:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7389499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBardock/pseuds/LadyBardock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His new case is probably one of the most difficult and demanding in his career. Kili would do absolutely anything to help his three new patients, so having no other choice he decides to take over full care of them. Giving them a rational sane home and time to heal. One day all his efforts almost fail when the only parent lands on his doorstep... in need of even more help than the kids. </p><p>Another story I found while cleaning my computer. This one is complete.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kili sat in front of the silent blond boy. From his file he knew the boy was almost nine, he showed huge signs of antisocial behaviour. The teachers complained about fights, verbal abuse, fowl vocabulary. The boy also liked inflicting self damage and was generally withdrawn in stressful situations. After four evaluations no one could tell what was wrong, one of the psychologists voiced a suspicion of molestation, so Kili was finally called in by Gandalf. Normally he worked for CPS, evaluating kids, training foster parents and doing home visitations. Gazing at the child he noticed the boy was pale, and he didn't raise his head to look at the person sitting in front of him. It all made Kili really worried.

"What's your name?" He asked the boy slowly.

The boy did not answer ignoring him completely.

"Have you ever wondered if zebras are white with black stripes or black with white stripes?" Kili asked a rhetorical question.

"Who gives a fuck..." the boy still did not raise his head.

Kili saw his shoulders shaking, the boy was extremely tense. Hitting, molesting or psychological pressure, Kili pondered. He reached out and gently placed his hand on the boy's forearm. And he got the first real reaction. The boy looked up with huge wide surprised blue eyes. He did not flinch or move his arm, it was more like he was surprised with any human physical contact. Kili immediately crossed out abuse and molestation. More like neglect.

"If you could go anywhere, where would you go?" Kili asked gently still holding his hand.

"Anywhere..." The boy finally answered. "As long as my uncle Bain goes with me..."

"Tell me about him..." Kili asked slowly.

"He's fucking awesome! He got into Oxford because he's the best!" The boy spoke with enthusiasm.

"I bet you miss him now that he's away." Kili suggested.

"He calls me so it's not that bad... I wish I was as old as he is..." The boy added with regret.

"And what would you do then?" Kili asked slowly letting the boy speak his mind.

"I would go far away! And I would never go to school!" The boy exclaimed.

"What's bad about school?" Kili asked slowly.

"It sucks!" The boy grunted and looked down closing again.

"What's worse home or school?" Kili asked slowly. The boy flinched in a way suggesting both options were dreadful.

"If you could eat anything, what would you chose?" Kili tried to fish for an opening again.

The boy shrugged, not even thinking about such an option.

“Do you know what I like to do when I have a choice?” Kili asked him gently. “There are three things I love. Walking with my dogs, I like playing games, but what I like most is creating something on paper.” Kili pulled out a sheet of paper and slowly he began drawing. “It’s kind of magical that when a pencil or crayon touches papers something appears. As a child I never understood it, but you probably already know there is no magic.” The boy gazed up to him, and slowly glanced at the drawing appearing under Kili’s skilled fingers.

“Is that your dog?” The boy asked breaking the silence.

“That was my dog.” Kili admitted. “He was a brave dog. His name was Gerim, and he served as a police dog for seven years. My father was a dog trainer and he often took in dogs who retired after service, but Gerim liked me better. He was a really brave dog, once he walked into a fire and showed the fire-fighters where a tiny boy was hiding.”

“Did he bite anyone?’ The boy asked stunned.

“Many bad people, he was a special dog, he could just look at you for a second and he knew if you were good or bad. And if those bad ones were doing something bad, he would first bark and then he would bite.” Kili explained. “So when Gerim retired my father asked me to take him home. And he stayed with me for two more years. He was the best and bravest dog I’ve ever met.” Kili calmly continued drawing.

“What happened to him?” The boy asked worried. Kili often used Gerim as a reason to talk about life and death, he already knew the boy lost his mother.

“He got really ill, and then he went to heaven.” Kili told him. “Good dogs always go to heaven.”

“Too bad he didn’t go to hell... he could bite my mom then...” The boy grimaced angrily. “He would bite her for sure, she was bad bad bad...” He began chanting as if on a high.

“When you say bad, how bad was she?” Kili asked slowly.

The boy went silent again but he kept staring at the drawing. So Kili continued working on the dog.

“If Gerim met my mom he would bite her for sure.” Kili continued. “She did many bad things. She often hit me and she would often yell at me. Gerim never liked people who yell or hurt other people.”

“What happened to your mom?” The boy suddenly asked.

“She’s in hell with your mom.” Kili grimaced.

The boy went silent again. “I’m happy my mom is dead!” The boy yelled finally. “She...” Kili could see the chasm appear, and the boy finally broke down showing all his emotions. “If she would still be alive I’d cut her open and kill her with my own hands!” He cried and yelled at the same time. “Sometimes I dream I crush her head, that I drive over her dead body!”

“I dream of bad things as well... about how she would punish me for being naughty. She would push my head under cold water...” Kili paused only for a moment. “When I was small I thought there was only one food... it took my father three years to teach me there are many different types of food... sweet, salty, sour... She would give me only oatmeal.”

“Did she lock you up?” The boy suddenly asked.

“Many times.” Kili admitted.

“Did she slap you and pull your hair?” The boy asked.

Kili did the one thing he rarely did, but somehow he knew this boy would understand. He slowly pulled up his sleeve, showing a row of identical cigarette marks.

“Mine liked burning me.” He added. “But my father was good, he saved me.” Kili added trying to change the topic.

“I don’t have a dad.” The boy mumbled.

“Do you have a dog?” Kili asked slowly. The boy shook his head.

“Grandma said she’s allergic, but that’s a lie! She just doesn’t like dogs!” The boy added desperately. “She’s a big fat liar...” The boy mumbled.

“I never had any grandma... so tell me what’s it like...” Kili asked slowly.

“I don’t really know...” The boy shrugged. “She just... bosses everyone around and ignores us.”

“That’s not nice.” Kili admitted.

“What do you care...” The boy suddenly directed his anger at Kili. “You’re going to fucking leave me anyway! All these people do is talk... ask stupid questions... they try to understand but they do not understand! And later it’s all the same...” Anger turned into tears.

“No, it won’t be the same.” Kili told him calmly. “Gerim is going home with you, and tomorrow I’m coming to visit you.”

“Can I take him with me?” The boy was shacking and crying.

“Yes.” Kili did not add more, he gently embraced the crying boy. When the boy calmed down he left him with the drawing of Gerim, and joined Gandalf on the other side of the mirror.

“This is not going to be easy.” Gandalf mused. “The family is stubborn and blind. Too much money, too much power, too little love.”

“The boy is troubled deeply. Past abuse and current neglect. I need to see the functioning of the house and family to amend it.” Kili stated.

“I will arrange that.” Gandalf grimaced. “What about the molestation?”

“False theory.” Kili informed him.

“Only good news of the day.” Gandalf hissed and walked out to talk with the boy’s family.


	2. Chapter 2

“So what does this therapist say?” Dis asked with spite.

“He’s the only one who can successfully out rule the molestation, so I’d listen to what he has to say.” Gandalf scolded her.

“And what does he have to say?” Thorin asked slowly.

“He said he wants to observe the family and house, so tomorrow he’s going to arrive at your home and stay for some time.” Gandalf told them.

“What?” Dis was furious. “A stranger in our home?” She yelled.

“It’s either that, or you’ll have to face the real accusation and CPS.” Gandalf pointed out. “The legal situation isn’t best.”

“Do you trust this person?” Thorin grimaced.

“Yes.” Gandalf assured him. “He’s the right person for the job.”

“Fine.” Thorin decided.

“Although I must warn you, his conclusions might not please you at all.” Gandalf whispered.

“What then?” Thorin asked soundly.

“Then we’ll have to work out a way for you to keep the kids, because the situation affects all three of them, not only Frerin.” Gandalf pointed out.

\-----

Kili arrived the next day and he began observing the house. He was stunned with the size, with the extensive number of staff walking around. There were three kids, and each had an individual nanny. The lady of the house and grandmother ignored the kids just like Frerin said, while her brother called grandfather played a dominating role. Authority worked well in the military, but not when raising kids who were emotionally detached.

The oldest Frerin was a kid who suffered from an abusive mother, absent father and lack of guidance. The middle child Angela did not remember much about her mother, but she felt the lack of love, wetting the bed every night and tortured by nightmares. The youngest Thorin was without any guidance or rules. He was a wild child, doing what he wanted, his nanny clearly not managing to keep up with him at all.

Four days later Kili began asking where the only parent and legal guardian of the children was, but he got no answer. Eight days he still had no answer, but he had enough. He came to his conclusions and he knew the only way to save the kids.

\------

Thorin was bitter about the observation the whole family was under, the psychologist like a ghost roamed the house and followed the kids. Thorin did not like the way those sharp black eyes were analysing everything, every word and person in the house. Their observer never reacted, but Thorin knew it was a false pose. And every single bad thing would be pointed out during the final evaluation. Thorin had no illusions, they were stuck. What Sigrid did, drinking and taking care of the kids in a bad way... later her death in a car accident. What happened to Fili was bad as well, and now the kids were lost. Frerin causing so much trouble, taking care of him such a burden, that no nanny wanted to handle him. Angela, during the day an angel, at night turned into a crying desperate monster. And Thorin junior unstable, spoilt and naughty.  This had to be settled, the kids needed lots of help, and Thorin wondered if this silent observant person was the right person for the job.

“So what can we do?” He asked Gandalf during their final meeting.

“Little.” Gandalf told him, glancing at Kili’s final report. “The children are deeply troubled.”

“I know that... the question is what can we do!” Thorin grimaced.

“You cannot do anything.” Gandalf highlighted grimly. “There is only one solution, let me quote.”

‘Placing the children in a neutral environment, re-introducing the absent parental figure, long term therapy providing the children have proper guidance. Creating social situations for the children, teaching them proper social interactions, empathy and understanding of the world.’

“Now we both know their only parental figure is not available.” Gandalf cringed.

‘All three children do not know safety, stability and therefore their emotional development is disrupted and underdeveloped. No nanny or grandparent, can replace the loving parent who takes care of the child daily.’

Gandalf put away the report and gazed at Thorin. “How long do you think he’ll be gone?”

“Mahal only knows!” Thorin scowled.

“That means we have only one option.” Gandalf told him seriously. “We’re going to ask Kili to take them.”

“What?” Thorin gazed at him with panic. “You want me to give the kids to a stranger?”

“You’ve been doing the same by hiring all those nannies!” Gandalf pointed out. “Kili is the best person for the job, he loves kids, he’s got the perfect qualifications. He doesn’t have personal obligations which would interfere with the task. Under his long-term care the kids would stabilize.”

Thorin hid his face in his hands. “Will we have any contact with them?”

“When Kili approves, in time yes.” Gandalf assured him. “Be prepared to pay a really high salary, but since you already had five people hired for the job at one time, it won’t be more than all five combined.”

“Money doesn’t play a role.” Thorin growled.

“Yes, money has never been one of your problems...” Gandalf hissed.

\------

Kili was utterly stunned with Gandalf’s request. Many of his questions were unanswered, Gandalf a master of keeping a poker face and avoidance. He never considered that a consultation job would turn into something like this. Taking care of three kids full time was more than just a job, especially with kids so troubled.

“How long will they be in my care?” Kili asked with a dry throat.

“Indefinitely.” Gandalf answered. “It’s a long time job and obligation.”

He let the words sink in, Kili’s wide eyes indicated he was surprised with the request.

“You are the only person who can provide them the right safe environment they need. They need a parent and not a nanny. They need safety and stability.” Gandalf brushed him the right way. “They need you.”

Kili bit down on his lower lip drawing blood. He could see himself from the past, he could hear the ringing of his mother’s brutal words. He couldn’t shake the way three pairs of the most stunning blue eyes were gazing at him. As if he was their only salvation.

“Fine, but we do this legally.” Kili pointed out. “Once they land in my care there is no changing their mind. No interfering.”

“I made that clear.” Gandalf assured him.

\------

Kili arrived at the huge mansion early in the morning, stopping Frerin from going to school.

“We’re going to your room.” Kili told Frerin slowly, and the boy went with him without question.

“What are you doing?” Frerin asked surprised as Kili began browsing his room carefully.

“Is there anything here you can’t live with?” Kili asked him slowly.

“What kind of a question is that?” Frerin showed his spiteful side.

Kili placed a bag on the floor. “You’ve got ten minutes to pack what you want to take into this bag.” With a smile he left him stunned.

“Come on Angie!” Kili asked the girl to come into her room.

“Do you like this room?” He asked her gently, but she just shook her head. “Is there anything here you want to take with you?” She lowly nodded and pointed to the single bear she always carried around.

“Good, let’s go to Thorin now.” Kili took her hand with a smile.

Little Thorin proved the real problem, he wanted to take everything and he had lots of clothes and toys. Kili with integrity packed only a few of his clothes and some toys.

“Are you ready Frerin?” He asked seeing the oldest boy in the corridor.

“Where are we going?” The boy asked shocked.

“Home!” Kili replied with a smile, and all three kids let him walk them out and pack them into the car. He saw the tears in Frerin’s eyes, but there was some kind of relief in them as well.

“Are we ever going to come back here?” The oldest boy asked.

“Only if you chose so.” Kili eased his pain even further.


	3. Chapter 3

Fili was lost. His life was in a dead end, and he had no idea how to live on. Somehow everything in his life went to hell and he had no idea why it happened. Sigrid, his huge mistake and huge burden. His kids, annoying and unwanted. His family, the sword looming over his head. His job the thorn in his side and pain in his ass. His mother, a harpy demanding more and more from him. His uncle cold and distant. When things went to hell he focused all he had on the boring daily duties. On getting up every day and working. On remembering to eat, which was a bother, on going from meeting to meeting. Business trips were his salvation for a time, being away from the kids and the troubles, but then came a moment when he realised his whole life was so fucked up there was no going back. He had no idea when he stopped caring. When it all stopped making any sense.

He had no recollection of the suicide attempt itself. Galadriel, his therapist, spent hours with him talking about the reasons and whys. They worked it all out eventually but it was a rocky road.

When he came home, he was stunned with the grim silence in the huge house.

“Where are the kids?” He asked his mother with anger. Anger an emotion he hadn’t felt in years.

“They are in a safe place, under good care.” Thorin assured him.

“Where are they?” Fili felt all emotional and on the verge of a breakdown again.

“You must understand. It’s been two years, since you’ve been gone. They suffered a lot, and needed help.” Thorin told him embracing him like he never did. “I’ll arrange a visit for you.”

“I have to arrange a visit with my own kids?” Fili was stunned.

“The conditions might sounds severe, but it’s for their own good.” Thorin assured him. But deep inside he was happy that Fili first time in his life showed any consideration for the kids.

\-----

Fili was in shock went Thorin packed him into the car and told the driver to take him to the place where the kids were. They drove a long way, away from the city, away from urban life. They drove on and on, the view changing. When the car stopped in front of the lonely house in middle of fields and forests his heart sank. This couldn’t be the place, could it?

The driver dropped his bags and swiftly drove away before Fili could ask him anything. He felt lost and unsure what to do. Slowly he walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. He heard an eruption of dogs’ barks. Not one dog but at least three or four. He heard chatter on the other side and soon the door opened.

He could barely recognise his own son in the boy standing at the door. Frerin had grown a lot, his hair now long and forming beautiful curls, a smile glued to his face. But the smile died when Frerin’s deep blue eyes showed recognition. There was some kind of panic in those beautiful eyes, some kind of insecurity and fear. Fear turned into terror when the boy noticed the bags on the floor.

“Who is it?” A deep male voice asked calmly.

“It’s my father.” The boy’s barely audible whisper shook Fili to the core.

“Go and feed the dogs.” The man calmly told Frerin. He faced Fili as soon as the boy walked away. Fili felt under huge pressure, those deep dark eyes were analysing him with scrutiny he had never experienced before.

“How can I help you?” The man asked calmly.

Fili had no idea how to reply, he was lost for words. He realised they weren’t really expecting him at all.

“Daddy can I have another muffin?” A small boy pulled on the man’s clothes, and as he was lifted up only then did Fili realise it was his own son. Thorin junior.

“Not before dinner!” The man scolded the boy with a smile. “Go and help your sister lay the table, add one more plate!”

“Yes Sir!” The boy saluted and ran into the house.

“I assume you’re staying for dinner?” The man calmly asked Fili, as if there was nothing unusual in his sudden appearance on their doorstep.

“I’d like that a lot.” Fili nodded eagerly grasping his chance.

“Put your bags inside, we’ll find you a room.” The man calmly told him.

Soon five dogs rushed their way, and they stopped seeing a stranger in the house. A first Balrog growled, but when he noticed Kili wasn’t alert he calmed down. Shelob walked to Fili suspiciously and after a short sniff she barked with approval. Azog didn’t look convinced but the sounds of the kids in the dining room made him run in that direction instead. Bolg just sat there watching them suspiciously. Smaug the biggest dog in the house took a safe position right next to Kili.

Kili guided him into a small comfortable living room and he pulled out his phone. “Sit down please, I need to call Gandalf.”

He left the man there. “What are you playing at?”

“Oh I wasn’t expecting your call.” Gandalf lied easily.

“Why is their father sitting on my couch?” Kili hissed.

“Oh him... consider him just one more lost kid.” Gandalf laughed and hung up.

“Just fucking great!” Kili whispered to himself and to Smaug. “Let’s deal with this shit!” He decided.

“So how long are you staying?” He cornered the man. There was some kind of huge loss in those blue eyes, as if he had no idea where he was and why he was there. Slowly the idea that this person needed psychological help was dawning on Kili.

“I don’t know...” There was huge surprise in that answer.

Kili intook the strange shine of those eyes, reflecting complex feelings and which meant problems for all of them.

“Fine, come on!” He encouraged him to get up. “Most of the rooms are taken, but we’ll work something out.” He took two bags and rushed upstairs. There was only one bed empty in the house, the one in his office.

“Are you okay?” He asked really worried. The man was equally withdrawn as the kids at the beginning.

“No, I’m not okay.” Fili growled desperately.

“Let’s take this slowly.” Kili calmly suggested. “One step at a time. Breathe in.”

“Why are you here?” Kili asked him gently.

“I wanted to see my kids...” The man finally admitted.

“Where were you all this time?” Kili asked again trying to speak without emotion.

“I was... I was not well.” The man spoke in a low voice.

“The kids have been in my care for one and a half year. So if there is one person to be honest with on this planet, it’s me!” Kili made him realise. “We’re going to have to walk down eventually and explain why you came here.” He pointed out.

“I was at Lothlórien Clinic.” Fili confessed in a low voice.

“Who was your therapist there?” Kili asked knowing the clinic well.

“Galadriel.” Fili confessed.

“Are you on medication?” Kili asked gently. Fili just nodded and searched his bags. He finally pulled out a detailed description and a bag of pills.

“I’ll take care of these and make sure you take the right dose. Do you entitle me to talk to Galadriel about your case?” Kili asked slowly.

“I don’t know you...” Fili was lost.

Kili just inhaled and gazed at the pills. A wide range of antidepressants and calming pills, sleeping pills and pills controlling mood swings. He had a small psychiatric pharmacy in his hands.

“Can you assure me, you did not come here to harm the kids?” Kili asked him worried.

“I would never hurt them...” Fili replied with tears in his eyes.

“Good, now let’s go downstairs before dinner burns.” Kili tried to ease him a bit.

When they came down all three kids were sitting at the table stunned and quiet. Kili knew them well enough to see the hesitation, uncertainty and fear. So he had to play his cards well.

He turned off the oven and pulled out the chicken. As if there was nothing special about this dinner he began cutting the bird and putting portions onto plates. When everyone had a plate in front of him he simply sat down on the empty chair.

“Dear Mahal, thank you for the meal you placed on our table.” He folded his hands. “We strive to appreciate every food set in front of us, and live happily another day of our lives.”

“Thank Mahal.” The kids replied.

“Thank Mahal!” Fili replied.

The meal passed in silence. The kids ate quickly, while Fili was eating in a really slow pace.

“May I be excused?” Frerin asked suddenly.

“No, Frer please stay a while longer. I need to talk to all of you.” Kili asked them calmly.  The boy looked like he wanted to protest but Kili had gained enough authority to make him listen.

“Yes, Dad, as you wish.” The boy replied sourly.

“Your father is going to stay with us for a while, and as you have probably noticed he’s not well.” Kili caught the kids attention.

“Why does he have to be here?” Frer growling just like his old rebellious self. “He can fucking go to hell for all I care! We’re not going back to that place!” All the past anger and problems came back to light.

“He’s family.” Kili told him calmly. “And what do we do with family?”

The kids stared at him silently. Frerin had lots of anger in his eyes, Angela was lost and Thorin had no idea why they reacted like they did.

“What do we do with family?” Kili asked again.

“We take care of family.” Frer replied the line he learnt by heart.

“We’re going to take care of your father, because he’s family.” Kili told them grimly. “He never did any harm to any of you. He never hurt any of you. I know he wasn’t there, I know he never helped you, but if you abandon him in times of trouble that means you’ll hurt him.” Kili used all his influence on the kids to level the situation. He let the kids take in the words.

“We’re not going back?” Frerin just had to make sure.

“I’m your legal guardian, and no, I’m not planning to go anywhere and neither are you.” Kili assured him. “This is our home.”

Angela couldn’t take it anymore and she rushed to Kili only to embrace him tightly, soon Thorin was also sitting in his lap demanding affection and security.

Kili reached his hand to the spiteful angry Frerin. And the boy did not hesitate even for a second, his long arms embraced all of them and he held on tightly.

“I can’t promise you it’s going to be easy, but I’m here with you, and no one will harm you or take you away from me.” Kili told them warmly.

“We love you Dad...” Angela quickly assured him and snuggled into his arms even deeper.

“And I love you.” Kili replied tenderly.

Fili sat there stunned watching his family, his kids, embrace a stranger and call him dad was a lot to take. His heart was pounding and deep inside he knew he should be the one giving them security and stability. He should be the one comforting them.

After dessert the kids went to their rooms and Kili encouraged Fili to rest. Gandalf was right in a way, it was like taking care of yet another kid.

He dialled Galadriel’s number and after a long wait she finally picked up.

“I haven’t heard from you in a long time.” She noticed slowly.

“I have one of your patients.” Kili told her.

“Which one?” She asked him slowly.

“Durin.” He said simply unsure of his first name.

“Oh that patient.” Galadriel replied.

“What’s wrong with him?” Kili asked her slowly.

“Are you his leading doctor now? I thought you specialised in abused children.” She toyed with him.

“Yes, I’m his doctor now.” Kili easily lied.

“A severe mental breakdown.” She said curtly. “Insomnia, suicide attempts, depression, extreme unstable moods ranging from numbness to suicide.”

“Send me the files.” Kili demanded. “And tell me why so many meds?”

“That was the only way to stabilize him.” She admitted.

“So he needs extensive therapy.” Kili growled. “Have the papers sent by Monday!”


	4. Chapter 4

After checking on Frerin, who was sulking in his room, making sure his homework was done, Kili quickly peaked into Angela’s room. Later he went to Rin who was looking at family photos instead of sleeping.

“It’s past your bed time!” Kili reminded him.

“Oh Dad!” Rin complained.

Kili just held his gaze and stared him down.

“I’m sorry...” The small boy finally admitted and got into bed. Kili tucked him in, read another chapter of their current bed time story, and left when the boy was finally asleep.

He stopped in front of the guest bedroom and realized his job wasn’t over yet. He slowly stepped in, their father was on the bed, completely tangled in the sheets, shacking violently in his sleep.

“Insomnia my ass, more like night terrors!” Kili growled to himself and sat on the bed. With a child he would use physical stability, but this was not a child. ‘For fuck’s sake!’ He thought and slid his arms around the man. “Calm down, everything is okay...” He whispered gently into his ear trying to project as much stability as possible. Just like with Angela the first few weeks. “You’re safe... and you’re home.” He continued whispering gentle words. It took a while for him to ease down a bit, but Kili soon realised he was sleeping peacefully. He gently untangled himself from the warm body and silently closed the door. His day shift finally ended.

\-----

His night shift began with Smaug whimpering next to his bed. First he went to check on Angela, her night problems were periodically coming back, so he had to assure her everything was alright and occasional help it with some milk and honey. Angela was sleeping soundly, so was Rin. But Frer was another story. When Kili peaked in the saw the boy gazing at the ceiling.

“You can’t sleep?” Kili sat next to him on the bed.

“Not really.” Frer admitted.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Kili asked him gently.

“Not really... I just can’t sleep.” Frer admitted annoyed.

“His coming back brought back bad memories...” Kili concluded.

“Could you get me something to sleep?” Frer begged.

“Give me five minutes.” Kili gently told him. He rushed to the kitchen, heated a bit of milk, added some honey and rushed back. He knew he could add a pill, but he avoided pharmacology unless absolutely necessary. The boy couldn’t sleep because of recurring stress, so he would use other methods to calm him down.

He gave Frer the glass, and watched him drink. He tucked him into bed and embraced him warmly.

“I’m going to be here until you fall asleep.” Kili assured him. “Do you know that everything is going to be fine?”

“Will it really?” Frer mused suspiciously.

“I can assure you it will. Have I ever lied to you?” Kili asked gently.

“You haven’t, but others have...” Frer was grim.

“You’re with me now. I got the paperwork done.” Kili reminded him. “Your father’s appearance does not bring changes. Our lives will be the same, you’ll go to school and I’ll take care of all three of you.”

“What if he...?” Frer was worried. “What if he will want to take us away?”

“He’s in really bad shape, severely depressed, I could always claim he is insane. I got the right credentials!” Kili joked causing a shy smile on the boy’s lips.

“You know we really love you?” Frer told him.

“And I love you three!” Kili watched him slowly fall asleep. Frer was his biggest worry, and biggest problem. He loved him, and had to make sure the boy felt safe. Frer needed a lot now attention now that their father decided to show up. But Kili concluded with hope that he said he came to see them and that was good grounds for rebuilding a positive relation.

He slowly walked out when he was positive Frer was asleep, but as he was returning to his room Smaug was in front of the office door whimpering.

Kili slowly opened the door and saw him shivering in his sleep. His forehead was sweaty and cold. “Fucking great!” Kili growled and rushed to the kitchen for a glass of water.

He reached into the huge bag with drugs and found the least invasive sleeping pill. He glanced at all the rest worried that his newest patient might be severely addicted.

He woke him up gently, not sure how the man will react to being awoken. But he just saw huge wide surprised eyes. Eyes he loved so much on the faces of his children.

“Take this.” He gave him the single pill and handed the glass of water.

“Where am I?” The blond asked completely lost.

Kili inhaled and sat on the bed next to him. “You’re home.” He told him calmly.

“Are my kids here?” Fili asked with some kind of worry.

“Yes, they are peacefully sleeping. Contrary to you.” Kili assured him.

“I had a nightmare...” The blond was shaken.

“What did you dream about?” Kili’s professional side turned on.

“My wife... I dreamt that she packed the kids in the car... and then she killed herself and all of them...” Fili had tears in his eyes.

“Do you love your kids?” Kili asked him slightly surprised.

“More than anything in the world.” Fili confessed.

“That means it’s time to sort out your meds and teach you how to show them that you love them.” Kili concluded.

“It’s funny my therapist Galadriel said exactly the same thing.” Fili yawned as the pill slowly began working. “Will you stay with me? I don’t want to be alone...”

“Until you fall asleep.” Kili gently embraced him.

But when Fili did fall asleep Kili was so tired that he simply leaned against the pillow and dozed off himself.


	5. Chapter 5

He awoke feeling uncomfortable and with cramps. And with two deep blue eyes staring at him.

“So you weren’t just a dream...” The blond mused.

“Nope, I’m not a phantom.” Kili assured him. “Did you sleep well?”

“That depends what you define as well.” The blond grimaced.

“I need to get going, the kids have to get ready for school.” Kili grimaced gazing at the clock.

“Can I help?” Fili asked slowly.

“That depends, Can you make toast and coffee?” Kili asked.

“I’m good at kitchen stuff.” The blond confessed.

“Great so move it Sunshine and make us all some breakfast!” Kili laughed. “I’m going to wake the kids up!”

When Kili checked on Frerin he was already up, washed and dressed.

“You’re going by bike again?” He asked with a smile.

“I need some fresh air.” The boy grimaced.

“Good, your father is going to be down soon and he’ll make some breakfast. Are you packed for school?” Kili asked him.

“Yeah, I can go and make breakfast.” Frer volunteered.

“Do so please, getting Angie and Rin up always takes time.” Kili complained and rushed to wake up Angie.

Fili soon walked down just to see his son making toast with jam. He quickly set the coffee machine to make coffee, and began setting the table. At first Frer froze, but later he composed himself enough to continue. Within ten minutes Kili dragged down Angie and Rin and forced them to eat.

“Thank Mahal!” Kili complained taking the coffee.

“Enjoy!” Fili replied.

“So you’re staying for football practise later?” Kili asked Frer.

“Yes...” Frer nodded quickly.

“Do you want me to pick you up by car?” Kili asked him.

“Nah, I’ll return by bike!” Frer assured him.

Kili passed him some lunch money and added. “Buy something healthy!”

“Yes Dad!” Frer obediently replied. “I got to go!” He picked up his bag and rushed out of the door.

“Ride safely!” Kili yelled after him. “Now you two eat up!” He urged the younger kids to hurry.

“Angie is your school bag packed?” Kili asked.

“I’m not sure...” She grimaced.

“Let’s check!” Kili pulled the bag closer and peaked in. “You forgot your book and crayons.” He scolded her.

“I’ll be right back!” Angie rushed to her room to get what was needed.

“Will you handle yourself for half an hour? I need to drop by the shop on my way back.” Kili asked their father.

“Can I come with you?” He asked slowly.

“Of course you may.” Kili agreed quickly. “But move it!” He picked up Rin. “Angie don’t forget your school bag!”

They got in the ordinary Toyota in the drive way and drove to town. Fili was gazing around curiously. There were a few more farmhouses in the distance. Soon they overtook Frer who was riding with a few other boys on bikes. After slightly over ten minutes they arrived at the school, Kili quickly dropped off Angela and later Thorin. He got back in the car, glaring at the blond who was curiously glancing around.

“As much as this might sound strange... I normally know the names of the people I spend the night with.” Kili joked. “I’m Kili!” He took his hand.

“I’m Fili.” The blond replied. For a moment they stared at each other in surprise, then Kili just smiled.

“Let’s go shopping!” He drove off to the only real shop in town. “Come on!”

“So can you really cook?” Kili asked with a smile.

“I’m pretty good.” Fili smiled back. “I used to cook a lot.”

“Good, I’m okay, but I’m not great.” Kili grimaced. “So pick anything you’d like to cook. You’re cooking lunch and dinner today!”

“It’s nice to see you again Kili!” Mrs. Gamgee greeted him.

“Good morning Mrs. Gamgee!” Kili smiled.

“What would you like today? We just had a shipment of fresh lettuce and carrots.” She smiled. “And who’s this? You look awfully alike to Frerin!” She smiled.

“This is the kids’ father, Fili.” Kili introduced him as if there was nothing unusual about it.

“A pleasure to meet you.” She replied calmly.

“The pleasure is all mine.” Fili quickly assured her.

They quickly picked the things they needed and Kili paid and they got back in the car.

“It’s kind of strange when you introduce me as their father, and they all call you Dad.” Fili complained.

“You’d better get used to it.” Kili told him slowly. “I’m their legal guardian now, and you are their biological father. There are many things far worse than having two dads.”

“Why are we stopping here?” Fili gazed at the pharmacy.

“Since I’m your doctor now, I plan to adapt your medical treatment.” Kili told him. “I’m not taking you off completely, but you’re taking far too much. If you continue living on those pills soon your liver or kidneys will fail.”

“What kind of a doctor are you?” Fili asked in a low voice.

“I’m a psychiatrist and psychologist.” Kili told him calmly. Most people were surprised with is profession, but it gave him huge privileges.

“So what kind of drugs are you planning to give me?” Fili asked really worried.

“We’ll stick to the same types, but we’ll try lowering the doses.” Kili assured him. “Wait here for a moment.”

He rushed to the pharmacy, wrote the right prescription and got the new drugs.

“Let’s go home.” Kili told him. “It’s time for your session.”

“My session?” Fili was surprised.

“The wellbeing of the kids is my top priority, and stabilising you will benefit the kids.” Kili informed him.

“Are you going to help me?” Fili was worried if he could trust this man.

“Yes, I am.” Kili told him.

When they came home Kili let the dogs out, and they put the groceries in the kitchen.

“Your room or the living room?” Kili asked him gently making two cups of tea.

“Living room.” Fili decided.

“Here are your meds for today and drink your tea and lie down.” Kili instructed. He pulled out a metronome and set it to tick.

“Just relax.” Kili told him as Fili finally laid down.

“Easy for you to say... everything is just so strange...” Fili complained. Kili made himself comfortable on the armchair, and kept observing the blond.

“So tell me, what is so strange?” Kili asked him slowly.

“Everything...” Fili complained. “Why did they ask you to take care of the kids?”

“Because your mother and uncle couldn’t handle them. There were a lot of issues to handle. I’m sorry to speak ill of the dead, but your wife wasn’t the best mother, and many things she did to Frerin were simply evil and cruel.” Kili explained. “Angela also had huge stress symptoms. And Rin was wild.”

“So you took them...” Fili concluded. “What do you mean evil things?”

“She would lock him up, punish him unjustly. He was deeply unhappy under her care.” Kili told him.

“And I left them alone... under her care.” Fili had tears in his eyes.

“Do you know what Frer told me during out first session?” Kili told him. “That he doesn’t have a father. Why were you absent so much?”

“I just wanted to run away from all of it... my marriage wasn’t really happy. I didn’t understand the kids or Sigrid. So I just focused on my job.” Fili confessed.

“I see.” Kili told him gently. “But you must understand that Frer felt abandoned. And now gaining his affection might be really difficult. Rin has few memories from the old days, but Angie also remembers and she often has sleeping problems.”

“Let’s change the topic.” Kili proposed. “When you were a teenager, did you have problems sleeping back them?”

Fili glanced at him unsure if he should tell the truth or not. “Not really.”

“So was it nightmares like now, or was it simply insomnia?” Kili asked worried.

“A mixture of both.” Fili admitted. “I often had nightmares...”

“Do you remember what they were about?” Kili asked gently.

“My dad.” Fili did not hesitate. “I saw him die in a car crash.”

“And you relived it at night... and probably tried not to sleep in order to not to see it again.” Kili summed up.

“What about with girls? Did you have a girlfriend back then?” Kili asked.

“I married her.” Fili admitted.

“So she was your first and only woman?” Kili asked slowly.

“At first she was my best friend.” Fili admitted. “We met as twelve year olds. I was going to a private school.”

“So you didn’t live at home?” Kili was worried.

“No.” Fili grimaced.

Kili quickly concluded that separation from family home, lack of affection from his mother and uncle led to isolation and stimulated the insomnia and nightmares.

“Do you remember any happy things from that time?” Kili asked trying to ease the tension.

“I had friends, we had a great time... I remember playing football and joking around.” Fili admitted.

“But inside you were deeply unhappy.” Kili understood quickly. He wasn’t surprised to see the tears in his eyes, and what he planned out to be neutral first session turned into tears and holding him. This person, just like the kids, wasn’t used to physical affection, so only the warm arms of someone who cared could ease the pain.

“What’s wrong with me?” Fili sobbed desperately.

“You never felt loved.” Kili concluded. “But it’s not too late to learn that. You’ve got three phenomenal kids, so smart and so loving, that they have enough love to share. I’ll help you find a way to bond with them and with time I can promise you the pain will slowly go away.”

Fili just cried and cried.

“Instead of keeping it all in, bring it out. You’ll feel relief.” Kili assured him.

“I just can’t handle it all...” Fili sobbed.

“You don’t have to.” Kili made him realise. “You have the power to shape your life to be happy, but you need to give a try.”

“Can I stay here with all of you?” Fili grasped the tiny hope given to him.

“I’m not letting you go anywhere.” Kili assured him. “You’re home.


	6. Chapter 6

When Fili finally calmed down Kili encouraged him to go for a walk. Later Kili kept him busy, he kept finding things to do around the house, and before he knew it was time for lunch. After lunch Fili got another small portion of meds, and Kili drove to town to pick up Angela and Rin.

 

“Angie and Rin, I’d like you to take the dogs and show your father the playground.” Kili proposed.

“Can we really?” Rin was clearly happy.

“You can.” Kili nodded. “I’ll call you back in an hour so have some fun.” He told Fili gently as he pushed them out.

Meanwhile he pulled out his laptop and began searching for side effects of taking some of the drugs Fili was taking and he was seriously worried some should not be taken with others. After reading a few files, he began counting the doses and frequency. He decided to take off the insomnia meds, because it was something else. Mood swing ones would be limited and the depression ones slowly taken off completely. He recounted the doses taking into consideration the withdrawal effect and glanced at the file again. He had to get to the bottom of things, there was something seriously wrong with Fili, and it wasn’t a new experience. It was something old and bad and left to rot without care.

He began making a list of symptoms. He closed his eyes counted to ten and glanced at the list again. He had to wait for the full medical files to arrive, but his gut was right. The only explanation matching all of them wasn’t just abuse, it was sexual abuse. He might not even remember it anymore. It might be dug deep down, hidden and forgotten a true monster in the closet. And there was only one way to get it out. Hypnosis. But that meant doing it tomorrow after driving the kids to school.

“Snack!” He yelled into the garden and pulled out a few muffins from the cupboard. He set two glasses of orange juice, a herbal tea for Fili and a coffee for himself.

“Did you have a good time?” He asked the kids ran into the kitchen with huge smiles.

“It was really fun!” Rin gasped and sat down smiling.

“Wash your hands...” Kili reminded him.

“Yes, Dad.” He quickly obeyed.

“Did you have a good time as well?” Kili asked Fili as he walked in with the dogs.

“I forgot how good it is to play around like that.” Fili smiled.

“Good!” Kili smiled. “Wash your hands too and come here!”

“Yes, Dad!” Fili joked.

“So how was school today?” Kili asked Angie.

“Jessica invited me to her birthday party in two weeks!” Angie said with enthusiasm. “We’re going to have to buy her nice present.”

“Do you have any idea what she would like?” Kili asked her.

“I was thinking about a diary.” Angela told him.

“We’ll find something just right.” Kili assured her. “We’ll drive by the shop tomorrow after school.”

“I was hoping we could order something online, everyone will buy in the shop, and I want something different.” Angie asked slowly.

“That’s a very smart idea Darling.” Kili kissed her forehead. “Do you have any homework?”

“Maths...” Angie lowered her head.

“Are you good at Maths?” Kili asked Fili.

“It was always my strong subject.” Fili slowly replied.

“Why don’t you help her then?” Kili suggested, Angela looked at him suspiciously and gazed at her father slowly.

“Does that bother you Angie?” Kili asked her gently. She seemed unsure how to answer but finally shook her head.

“Good then, once you finish, come back down and we’ll watch a film together.” Kili proposed.

“Snow Dogs?” Angela asked with a huge smile.

“Snow Dogs!” Rin smiled happily.

“Fine, Snow Dogs it is.” Kili assured them.

Fili unsurely walked after Angie upstairs.

“Come now... it’s time to practise your letters!” Kili pulled out Rin’s exercise books. The boy scowled but sat down and took his pencils.

“I’m home!” Frerin’s strong voice sounded as Rin did five more letters.

“Good!” Kili told him. “How was your training?”

“Not best...” Frerin scowled.

“What happened?” Kili asked him in whisper.

“The coach said I was playing with too much aggression.” Frer grimaced.

“And were you?” Kili asked him slowly.

“Sam fell down once... but it was an accident! I swear!” Frer told him.

“Good.” Kili put his hand on Frer’s arm.

“How was your homework?” He asked Angie as she walked back down.

“Father is really good at maths!” She just smiled and sat down on the couch.

“Film time!” Kili told Rin, who was relieved he didn’t have to practise anymore.

“Snow Dogs?” Frer asked with a scowl.

“What is Snow Dogs?” Fili asked surprised.

“The most boring film ever...” Frer grimaced.

“You’d better go and do your homework, I’ll call you when dinner will be ready.” Kili told him.

“Dinner?” Kili suggested to Fili.

Fili stood there dazed and lost, and finally the information clicked in. “Dinner?” He asked.

“You’re cooking tonight.” Kili reminded him calmly. Fili looked lost and confused.

“I’m sorry...” Fili seemed more lost.

“It’s okay.” Kili assured him.

After dinner, the younger kids finished their film, and Kili shooed them to bed. He checked Frer’s homework and made sure they all went to bed. Fili included.

Two hours later he did a sleeping check, only to talk to Frerin again, give him some milk and honey. Angie and Rin were sleeping okay, but Fili was not.

Kili found him again twisted and shivering, mumbling and clearly having another night terror.

“Fuck fuck fuck...” He ran downstairs, pulled out the metronome, got some sleeping pills and water.

He rushed back hoping he would still be in the REM phase. He set the metronome, put his recorder on the table next to them and began the real session.

He sat on the floor next to the bed and whispered. “I’m here, can you hear me?”

“I don’t want to be here...” Fili wiggled in his sleep as if fighting with something.

“Can you hear my voice?” Kili reached out again.

“Help me... please help me...” Fili begged.

“Tell me where you are...” Kili asked. “Tell me so I can come and get you.”

“They locked me in... It’s so dark here...” Fili sobbed in his sleep.

“Who did?” Kili whispered.

“They did! They are going to come back for me...” Fili was desperate.

“I will not let them have you...” Kili told him.

“They will come back... and they will...” Fili was breathing heavily and with pain.

“What will they do?” Kili asked.

“They will make me do it again... I hate it some much!” Fili begged. “It’s so despicable... so disgusting...”

“Does it hurt?” Kili asked.

“It’s just awful... it tastes so bad...” Fili complained.

“Can you feel my hand? I’m with you...” Kili took his hand gently. “When I count to five, you will wake up.” He waited for the metronome and began slowly counting. “1...2...3...4...5 Wake up!” Kili told him.

Fili winked slowly, as if surprised where he was, he turned his head to look at Kili who was holding his hand.

“Are you okay?” Kili asked him.

“No... I’m not.” Fili admitted.

“Tell me about your nightmare.” Kili asked.

“I’d rather not...” Fili complained and pulled away from the comforting touch.

“How old were you?” Kili asked him gently.

Fili pretended he was ignoring him, but Kili could see the trembling of shoulders. He gently pulled Fili into his arms, breaking the shivering and darkness.

“Tell me.” Kili whispered. “Let me pull you out of the darkness. I’ll help you step into the light.” He told him gently.

That’s when Fili really broke down, crying so desperately and so strongly that Kili became scared for him.

“Tell me, let me protect you...” Kili begged.

“No one can protect me... I told my uncle I want to go somewhere else... but he said I had to be strong...” Fili cried.

“How old were you?” Kili asked again.

“Thirteen.” Fili replied slowly.

“Who were they?” Kili continued comforting him.

“Just boys from school, a bit older...” Fili tried to push it back again.

“Have you ever told anyone about what they did to you?” Kili asked.

“I was scared no one would believe me...” Fili cried.

“How far did it go?” Kili needed to know.

“Blow jobs mainly... a few tried to touch me. But I would cry too much then...” Fili confessed with pain.

Kili added all the facts, but the trauma was not big enough to match the symptoms. There had to be more.

“It must have been very difficult...” Kili gently patted his hair and continued holding him. “I’m here for you... you are safe at home, they cannot hurt you anymore. I will not let them.” He assured, at least now he knew how to work with him.

Soon Fili fell asleep even without the pills, but the position they were in made it impossible for Kili to get up. With a deep sigh he put his head on the pillow. A second uncomfortable night on the floor.

_He woke up to darkness, everlasting surrounding darkness. He could feel the hunger and the pain in his boy. The fear he felt hit him again. He curled his legs to his chin and waited praying the rats won’t come again. He heard the door open and a bowl slide him, he reached rapidly for it, and drank the water. Then he saw the door open again and deep down he already knew what would happen._

“Are you okay?” Fili’s frantic whisper brought him back to reality.

Kili gazed around in fear, but it was his study, his home. And he was sleeping on a single bed next to his own patient.

“Yeah, I think so.” Kili admitted.

“What did you dream about?” Fili asked worried.

“About really bad things...” Kili told him. “Everyone of us has bad dreams, everyone is running away from something bad in life...”

“Thank you staying with me...” Fili noticed.

“No, problem.” Kili assured him calmly. “I think it’s time to get up!” He stretched and walked to his room.


	7. Chapter 7

After a very busy morning and driving the kids to school, Kili pointed to the sofa again and Fili obediently laid down.

“Are we always going to use that?” Fili pointed at the metronome. “It bugs me!”

“Yes... it helps focus on reality.” Kili pointed out. “Are you ready?”

“No... but you’re going to ask your questions anyway.” Fili grunted not really willing to go deeper into his messes up head. This person was just so full of warmth and voicing some of his desires and fears might bring judgement. Like his mother judged him.

“Let’s think back to high school...” Kili pointed the direction he wanted Fili to focus. “Apart from maths what were your favourite subjects?”

“I trained football later on... I like languages, but also art was one of my favourite things.” Fili confessed. Kili’s eyes sparkled hearing that last information, it would prove to be useful.

“When you were a child, how did you spend your free time?” Kili asked and slowly eased Fili down, preparing him for what he really had planned.

“Are you relaxed?” Kili asked, but Fili felt as if his voice was far away.

“Yes...” Fili confirmed.

“Listen to my voice, I’m going to be there for you, so trust me.” Kili told him, and before Fili could ask what he had planned. “1...2...3...4...5... sleep.” The order came and Fili’s eyes immediately closed. When he opened them he was back at Erebor Mansion.

“Tell me where you are.” Kili’s voice rang in the distance.

“At home, Erebor.” Fili told him.

“Look around please, tell what do you see.” Kili instructed.

“I’m in the dining room. But I’m under the table.” Fili looked around feeling as if it was a dream.

“Are you alone?” Kili asked him.

“No, I’m not... my mother and uncle are here...” Fili spoke with difficulty.

“What are they doing?” Kili demanded.

“They are fighting...” Fili cringed in pain.

“Focus on their voices... What are they fighting about?” Kili demanded firmly.

“Something about that my mother does not agree, that he should not bring over those people...” Fili was wriggling in pain.

“What people?” Kili demanded.

“Those people!” Fili repeated as if it should be obvious. “She’s yelling at him, that he cannot give me such a bad example, that she does not want me to be like him!”

“Close your eyes on the count. 1...2...3...4...5.” Kili’s voice brought the trans back. “Open your eyes. Where are you now?”

“I’m not sure... I think it’s the old servants corridor...” Fili felt lost.

“Why are you there?” Kili asked him.

“I don’t like it here... there are spiders and it’s dirty...” Fili sounded really scared.

“Why did you come here?” Kili asked again.

“To look...” Fili confessed.

“To look at what?” Kili asked, but soon realised Fili as a child did not understand what he saw. He could not describe something he did not understand back then. “Draw it for me please...” He quickly improvised and pulled Fili into a sitting position and handed him a pencil and put a piece of paper on a thick book. Fili as first seemed lost, but his well trained hands remembered how to draw. And what Kili saw come out of the drawing suddenly made him realise why Fili was like he was. No child should see anything like that.

“Someone is coming!” Fili sounded really scared.

“1...2...3...4...5... you’re safe here with me.” Kili held his hand. “You can wake up now.” He added.

“What the fuck was that?” Fili was truly startled.

“Hypnosis.” Kili just smiled.

“It felt so real...” Fili cringed.

“It was real, those were your own memories.” Kili told him.

“But I don’t remember all that!” Fili was terrified.

“It was hidden in your head all those years, it’s the thorn poisoning your mind.” Kili told him slowly.

“So what’s wrong with me?” Fili was terrified.

“You’ve been suppressing painful memories from your past, so much so you forgot about their existence. It has tainted you, so later on bullies could tell that you were weaker and exploited you.” Kili spoke gently. “When your adult life began, a bit too soon I might add, you were not ready to deal with the responsibility and stress, and all that past shit made you crumble even more. Because even if you forgot, your brain still remembered and tried to remind you by sending dreams. Dreams which scared you.”

“How do I get rid of it?” Fili demanded.

“There is only one way. We have to face your past together.” Kili told him gently. “Are you ready to see what you’ve drawn?”

“What I drew?” Fili was stunned, he didn’t recall drawing anything in years.

“Under hypnosis.” Kili told him.

“I’m not sure... but if this is the only way...” Fili cringed.

Kili helped him sit up again, he wrapped his arm around his shoulder tightly, knowing that seeing the drawing might be a real shock. He gently reached for the paper.

“Flip it when you’re ready.” He told Fili warmly. “Breathe in and out. I’m here. You can feel me.”

“Are you not yet another dream...” Fili asked worried.

“No, This is reality.” Kili told him not really surprised with the point of view.

Fili with shaking hands reached for the drawing. The last element that would solve the crazy puzzle, why he wasn’t normal. Why he couldn’t think normally or be like other people. Why he was broken.

When he did his heart stopped, flipped and restarted with pain. He felt nauseous and sick just form looking at it. It was drawn with skill... fine details... two men on a bed, one pushing the other into the mattress, pinning him hard from behind. Somehow deep inside he always knew uncle did not like women, but seeing him pinned down with a cock deep inside his ass caused some kind of pain.

“Children rarely understand what they see. A child seeing a scene like this thinks it must hurt, thinks it’s an act of brutality.” Kili’s voice broke his trembling. “With this one moment in your life, you lost the stability your uncle could give you, distrusting him and doubting his strength to protect you. You lost your innocence, something always with you in your later years.” He wasn’t surprised when Fili began crying in his arms, seeking as much warmth and comfort as possible. “It was the key to what happened later, and the key to what happens now.”

Kili patiently held him tight in his arms. It took a long time for Fili to calm down. But when he did, Kili just pulled him into the kitchen and made some coffee.

“Are you okay?” He asked finally.

“Could be better...” Fili growled, somehow all the pain turned into anger. Anger he hadn’t felt in years.

“Good, let’s run it out!” Kili suggested.

“What?” Fili gazed at him.

“The best cure for anger is running until you drop.” Kili winked at him. “You made the first step, now that it’s out, we can really deal with it.” Kili smiled radiantly.

“Let’s go running then.” Fili finally agreed.


	8. Chapter 8

The day went by fast from that moment, and Kili had hoped the night would be equally calm and nice. The kids went to sleep, their homework done. And he made sure Fili went to sleep. As usual he went around all the rooms to make sure everyone was sleep after midnight. But of course Fili was not sleeping peacefully again, pulling out all the monsters from the closet always proved to be a Pandora’s box.

He went for Fili’s meds and sat down on the bed next to him. This time he didn’t want to go into the dream with hypnosis, so he just gently embraced him and woke him up.

“You had a bad dream again.” Kili told him calmly. “What did you dream about today?”

Fili went silent. “It’s rather private...” He growled.

“You should have already learnt from Galadriel, that there are no such things as private when it comes to therapy.” Kili told him gently. “Let me help you...”

“I feel like you’re messing with my brain...” Fili growled and hid his face in his pillow, trying to hide the shameful reaction of his body.

“The dream made you aroused.” Kili said impassively, trying to hide how interesting that was for him. Passion something lacking from his life due to his past experiences.

“I’m not talking with you about that...” Fili was shamed.

Kili gently traced his shoulders. “You should...” He whispered, and then realised it was his presence that made Fili aroused. “Tell me about it... I’m good at keeping dirty little secrets...” He rasped into his ear gently taunting. He never felt the thrill of doing such things, and by all means he should not, but it was too interesting to just step back. His own guts tempting him to go forward with this experiment. “So what did you dream about...”

“I dreamt about that...” Fili did not elaborate.

“Were you watching or were you taking part?” Kili asked gently still tracing his shoulders.

“Taking part...” Fili blushed with shame.

“You were the one fucked? Or you were the one fucking?” Kili felt tingling in his body, something he rarely experienced.

“I was fucking...” Fili confessed.

“And who were you fucking with?” Kili mused shivering himself with anticipation.

“My uncle...” Fili hid his face in the pillow, unable to stop the shameful thought and reactions.

“Apart from those boys when you were thirteen, have you ever tried it with another man?” Kili drilled into the facts.

“Why would I! It’s despicable! Forbidden! Shameful...” Fili growled with spite.

“Do you know that in reality it is not? Gay marriages are legal, to most people gay relationships are completely normal.” Kili told him calmly. “Two hundred years ago, then maybe it would be forbidden and shameful, but now...”

Fili went silent and even more red. So Kili decided to take another approach. “So did you enjoy sex with your wife?”

Fili groaned in pain and hid even more into the pillow.

“Was that a yes or a no?” Kili asked gently.

Fili inhaled with pain. “No...”

“Then it’s rather surprising you have three kids...” Kili commented.

“In vitro!” Fili growled even more. “When my wife concluded I was dysfunctional...”

“Well certainly you don’t seem dysfunctional anymore...” Kili pointed out trying to hide the merriness. Somehow he always thought being next to an aroused person would be terrifying, but in reality it wasn’t. He could still see those shoulders gently shiver in tension. So he traced his fingers along his vibrating muscles. And heard a groan from Fili, both in pain and in contempt.

“So tell me... when you were giving seed to have the kids... What were you thinking about then?” Kili rasped into his ear, feeling slightly aroused himself. A startling discovery, especially for someone who always considered himself asexual.

“I tried to think about nothing...” Fili lied.

“Liar...” Kili chanted into his ear. “You were thinking about something despicable... And now you’re thinking about it again...”

“For fuck’s sake, you’re a fucking mind reader!” Fili groaned in pain.

“Yup... it all comes with the psych diploma.” Kili laughed. “So tell me...”

“Why are you so interested? What do you care?” Fili grunted.

“It’s a step forward.” Kili just smiled. “So?”

Fili inhaled and tried to think of a way to avoid answering. “I was thinking about... I was trying to imagine what it felt like...” Those words did not want to leave his mouth but he forced them out. “What it felt like to be on the other side... contrary to what does boys did to me...”

“So you were dreaming about a blow job?” Kili grinned. “And who was kneeling in front of you... your wife or one of those boys?”

“You know the answer...” Fili complained.

“One of those boys...” Kili concluded. “Did you wife ever try it?”

“She? A blow job? It would be too humiliating for her...” Fili groaned.

“There should be nothing humiliating in sex... it should be an act full of love, tenderness, happiness and acceptance. Too bad that often it is not.” Kili summed up. A devil sitting on his arm prompted the next words before he could stop them. “Would you like to find out how it feels?”

Fili went stiff hearing those words. “Isn’t that unethical?” He groaned, but the shiver going down his spine made him even more aroused. “You being my doctor and all?”

“Officially I’m just taking care of your kids... and your family wants to me do anything possible to bring back stability.” Kili confessed.

“And you would sacrifice so much for money?” Fili growled. Imagining the brunet on the floor sucking him was so thrilling he just wanted to die.

“No... not for the money. For you.” Kili told him with confidence. “I want you to face your demons, and I’ll be facing mine at the same time.”

Fili flipped to gaze into his eyes trying to see the truth in them, but he only saw honestly. “What do you mean you’ll be facing yours?”

“Decide, yes or no, it’s as simple as that. Stop thinking.” Kili didn’t answer, he knew how to manipulate any conversation.

Fili was lost for words, the brunet was so dead cute, he noticed that the first time at the door when he arrived. His hair beautiful and long, his eyes deep and holding so many secrets, secrets he wanted to find out. Just the idea that he would attempt anything like that, was exhilarating...

“Let me show you, it’s not despicable at all...” Kili gently traced the cover, brushing against the erect spot.

“Please...” Fili laid his head on the pillow.

“Please what?” Kili taunted.

“Show me what it’s like...” He begged in a breaking voice.

“As you wish.” Kili just grinned, but deep inside his whole body was shacking. His whole soul was shacking. But it was his own test, the arousal throbbing in his underwear proving that this was what he had been waiting for all those years. He gently lifted the cover and traced Fili’s body. He saw the blond’s chest rise and fall quickly, he heard his breathing deep and painful. When he reached to his night shorts, the blond nearly jumped at the gentle touch.

“Do you trust me?” He whispered before taking them off.

“I have no choice do I?” Fili rasped.

“With me you will always have a choice... So what do you chose?” Kili asked gently.

“Suck me please...” Fili begged.

With a smile Kili leaned in and licked the tip. He still remembered the taste, but he got used to it ages ago, so later he just plunged down, up till the point where the whole cock was in his throat. And that didn’t feel bad at all. He eased down a bit, no one was holding him down now, so he chose the right dept, and began gently sucking. When he lifted his eyes to see flushed Fili desperately grasping for air, he realised just how arousing it could be. At the right time, at the right age and with the right person. As those beautiful blue eyes gazed at him in pleasure, Kili was hit with the thought that it was the right person. So he sucked harder, delighted to feel him buck against his head. Delighted to feel his own cock leaking and staining his underwear. Delighted the magical charm of his horrifying past experiences was gone, long forgotten and unable to influence this beautiful experience.

When he felt Fili’s hands go into his hair trying to pull him away, he just licked and sucked harder and then he felt it, the salty taste of seed in his mouth.

“You didn’t have to do that...” Fili complained ashamed.

“I wanted to.” Kili just winked at him.

“Did you enjoy it?” Fili looked at him suspiciously.

Kili just left out a low chuckled and got up to leave. He desperately wanted to take care of the new feeling in his own underwear. But a strong hand stopped him, and before he knew it Fili’s other hand was on his cock, judging the size and girth.

“You really did enjoy it!” Fili was stunned. “It’s not bad?”

“Not bad at all.” Kili just smiled.

“So where do you think you’re going?” Fili pulled Kili closer and in one swift move pulled down his shorts and underwear, freeing the demanding cock.

“You really don’t have to...” Kili complained.

“You don’t want me to?” Fili was puzzled. But Kili had no idea how to react, his own sexuality lost ages ago. But the firm hands touching him nearly made him jump out of his skin.

“It’s only fair I repay you...” Fili whispered tracking Kili’s cock with his fingers. Before Kili knew it his hand embraced him and began pumping.

Kili whimpered as the tension was rising, and he did not noticed the moment when Fili’s soft lips touched him. The sudden heat causing him to shiver.

“This tastes much better than I remember.” Fili noticed still licking the gorgeous cock in his hands.

“This feels much better than I thought it would...” Kili noticed gently.

“It’s your first time?” Fili mused.

“On this end.” Kili admitted in a low voice. “Please don’t stop...”

Fili just smiled, the brunet was so cute with that raspy breath and blush on his cheeks. He was so cute. And then it dawn on Fili what he was in fact doing, and the fact that he liked it scared him shitless.

“Are you okay?” Kili’s worried voice startled him.

“Am I gay if I like this?” Fili asked really worried.

“What’s about that? Just because you like sex it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. You have the right to enjoy sex.” Kili’s analytical voice made him realise just how much he had been denying himself. “Same as I do.” He added.

“What do you mean?” Fili asked pulling Kili onto himself on the narrow bad.

“You’ll laugh...” Kili began giggling, but the hand embracing him again took his breath away.

“What’s so embarrassing my perfect doctor doesn’t want to confess?” Fili mused with a smile.

“I always thought... that I’m asexual by definition.” Kili admitted in a low voice.

“What?” Fili was stunned as the words sank in. “This is the first time... This is your first time?”

“In a way... it’s the first time I actually felt like it.” Kili admitted in a raspy voice as the hand relentlessly was pumping him.

“Come for me...” Fili asked him with a smile, and Kili could not hold back any longer, his seed shamelessly spilling over Fili’s naked body.

“Now tell me... does this change our patient and doctor relations?” Fili mused with a strange smile.

“Completely.” Kili agreed resting on his chest still breathless. “So do you think your sex issues are cured?”

“For certain they diminished.” Fili assured him. “What about yours?”

“Mine will probably never be fully over.” Kili admitted.

“That means we’re going to have to work on that.” Fili told him gently.

“We might...” Kili was slowly losing focus on reality, and holding him close Fili finally found peace.


	9. Chapter 9

It took the kids a few days to realise a lot changed in their house. Kili was brighter, happier and more positive than ever. With his change of mood all their moods changed. Even Frerin’s attitude towards Fili.

“So are you angry?” Kili gently asked him, as they were on the porch watching Fili play with the dogs and younger kids.

“It’s like he’s a different person.” Frerin told him slowly.

“All three of you had problems, at the same time your father also had huge problems.” Kili easily admitted.

“Do you think we’re genetically insane?” Frerin asked grimly.

“No. Genetics carry tendencies, but if you control your life nothing can sway it.” Kili told him gently. “You’ve got me, and I’ll always be there for all of you.”

“You like father.” Frerin stated more than asked.

“He’s a very good person, lost a bit, full of problems and traumas, but he’s a very warm and kind person.” Kili assured him.

“Do you love him?” Frerin’s voice was full of a warm undertone, there was a shy smile on his lips.

“In a way, yes I do.” Kili easily admitted.

“I never thought you were gay.” Frerin confessed with the wisdom of a young teenager.

Kili just smiled. “Surprise?” He laughed.

“Do you think we’ll be a normal family?” Frerin wanted to make sure.

“We already are a normal family. You can call me Mom if that makes you feel better.” Kili pulled him towards the playing kids. The beautiful laugh he heard from the boy was the best reply ever.

The End


End file.
